Apologizing

So I have to apologize for my blog being such a downer lately. My new situation has brought all kinds of old issues back to my mind and I haven't been dealing with them as well as I'd hope. I've been immature, frustrated, bitter and self-pitying. The truth is I go through these emotions from time to time, around once every month (probably menstrual although I haven't had a period since JY was born) and despite my occasional efforts to improve myself this is not likely to change much. At least it only lasts a few days, and then I'm back to normal.

To update: I did have a chance to bring up my feelings about JT's past lack of support for my librarian education. He isn't class sergeant anymore (thank God!) and last night for the first time in a long time we got to go to bed at midnight, reports all done and lunch all packed.

So he said, "I want to hear about your day. How you are doing."

I thought about it a minute, and finally decided to go with honesty. "I've been depressed, actually."

"About what?"

I paused. Should I do this?

"I've been depressed about how little support I get for my own career and my own hard work. I felt like my scholarship was a big deal, and you barely noticed."

"I told you congratulations."

"But it's more than that. When I wanted to do that internship last year, and you said no... That hurt. A lot. I think I'm still trying to get over it."

"Was that something you really wanted to do?"

"Yeah. And needed to do."

Silence.

"And when you told me I didn't have a 'real career,' that hurt. And when you told me that I shouldn't do school anymore because I wasn't pulling my weight around the house, that hurt."

"ALL RIGHT, STOP!"

This is how he normally reacts whenever I give him a laundry list of grievances. Maybe I should revise my strategy for approaching this stuff in light of that fact. I tend to be the bottle-everything-up,-shake,-then-explode type. But then, exploding isn't really the right image. Maybe just spilling over and fizzing out.

I lay in bed, silent, for a while. Then I put my arm around him and snuggled to his shoulder. I wanted to say, I just want you to know that, even though I feel this way, I am not going to stop being here for you. I am going to show you the same support regardless of whether you choose to return it.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.