Midnight to about 2 a.m.--that's my time. When the baby is asleep. When my husband is asleep. When the uniform, suit and PT clothes are all washed and ironed. When lunch is packed. When the dishes are loaded into the dishwasher. When the house is looking a lot cleaner than it's been in a while, because all of JT's stuff is by the door ready to go. I sit here at my computer in my reclining chair, read a couple of blogs and emails, and write. Now is my time, when I can put aside thinking of others and think about myself.
I've been feeling a little down today. If I may risk sounding uncharacteristically ungrateful and self-pitying for a moment, I have to confess that I don't completely understand why I have to do all of this. I've never been big on manual labor. I've always been more the kind of person who likes sedentary jobs that use my brain and very little else. I don't think I've ever worked this hard in my life.
Why must I work until midnight every night just because my husband decided to be a police officer? Why does the academy give its recruits such an impossible number of tasks to do when they know it's the wives who will be doing the bulk of it? What did we wives do to deserve that?
Recently two very good full-time librarian job openings came to my attention and I decided not to apply. They would be great for my career and my interests but how am I supposed to work 40-hour weeks and keep working on my masters classes (which start next week!) and take care of the baby and complete JT's everyday list of chores? No, it's not the right time. Once JT is done with academy and training, once JY is a little older, then it will be a good time. Then it will be my time.
The problem is that things have changed. Jobs are scarce now, especially in the public sector which has had to slash library budgets and jobs right and left. Jobs used to be like buses; you could pass on one and wait for another to come along. Now I have to cross my fingers and hope I'm not marooned on a cold wooden bench.
1 day ago