Thursday, August 26, 2010

Blood Boiling

Thanks to all of you for the support you gave me on my last post. I'm still feeling kind of down about this. I felt the need to blog about it again.

I woke up this morning remembering how, last spring, I was all set to do a summer internship at a children's library. What I want is to be a children's librarian, which is not what I am currently. I work in adult services right now because when I got this job there were few opportunities in my area for children's librarian assistants. So anyway, last spring I applied for this internship, interviewed, corresponded with them, enrolled for class credit, all that. And all the while JT was saying "I don't think you should do this," it would take too much time away from him and from my other "responsibilities." And I had weathered an extremely difficult spring quarter with insane projects in one of my classes. Because he saw how difficult that was, he was totally against me taking class in the summer. I tried to convince him that it would be all right, that this was something I really wanted to do, but when my financial aid dried up, he put his foot down and said NO. And I had to write letters to my mentors and instructors telling them why I suddenly had to pull out.

I hated that so much. I hated him for the way he had total control of the purse strings in our house, even as most of the money we had in savings was money given to us by my parents and which I thought I should use for the purpose of continuing my education. I was angry about it for a long time, and at one point I was even thinking I didn't want to be married anymore.

Then I got pregnant. I set it all aside and didn't think about it again for a long time. Remembering it now, comparing it to the enormous sacrifices I've made for him and how I've been totally on board with his academy all the way, well, I'm sad to say it makes my blood boil.

I need to get over this. You can't be a loving and supportive partner when you're holding something like this bottled up inside. You have to forgive. I can do this. I chose my marriage and my family over my anger and hate last summer, and I know I can do it again. But I just really need him to know how painful that was and how lucky he is that I didn't leave him for doing that to me. And how lucky he is that I'm smart and that I do have a "real career" (ugh, don't get me started explaining the memory that brought that wonderful little sound byte to my mind) and that I work hard and don't just expect to get through life on whatever he earns. God he's really lucky. I wonder if he's ever taken a moment to think of it that way.


  1. Make him take a minute and read this. This is important. A marriage can NOT be all one sided giving. I wish you luck and pray that you will find a peace about this.

  2. You've had to give up a lot to - who knows, right? - perhaps receieve even more in the future. Every sacrifice is, even though sometimes other people are involved or it is about/for them, a choice you can only do as an individual. It is difficult to continue to sacrifice for someone else without ever having the other person acknowledging this or even realizing that it IS a sacrifice! I know this is the hardest thing. Anger and hate are some of the most consuming and destructive emotions we can ever feel. But they do not last too long. Keep your mind straight. The only person is this that you can control is YOU. It all begins and ends within in - no matter what is gping on outside of you. That might sound like not much at all - but it can be the most powerful thing! Once you find yourself and determin the borders of yourself, then you can see even more lying beyond it :) In other words, I should have just clicked next to "hang in there!"

  3. LOL! That's true though. For a Buddhist I'm certainly quick to forget that I am the controller of my own experience, and have no one to blame but myself.

    V, thanks for your suggestion. I do think this is something we're going to have to discuss someday. I just hope that I can be smart enough not to attempt that right now.