Anxiety

About a week ago, I noticed a deep cut on JT's left wrist. When I asked him where he got it he said he didn't know. Well, last night he told me. He gave it to himself.

He explained that he gets anxiety attacks every morning now. These are marked by nausea. So sometimes he digs his fingernails into his skin to keep from throwing up.

JT has had anxiety his whole life. He used to be afraid of Disneyland as a child. He used to be afraid of school too and would stay home with stomach aches that went away after a few hours. But the minute his parents took him back to school he would get nauseous again and spend the rest of the day hiding out in the bathroom.

When I met him, he had grown out of this anxiety for the most part, with the help of some medications that did damage to his liver. On our third date, he told me that he was nauseous, because he always got nauseous in the face of something new and exciting. But apart from that one day, the only time I ever saw him anxious was when his band was playing gigs (they're on hiatus now). He never ate before a show. He said he was afraid he would throw up at any moment.

Now that his life is changing, now that he has a new job and will work for a new department and has a ton of new things to learn and a ton of pressure to get them right, his anxiety has come back full force. And he's mutilating himself in an effort to keep it hidden.

He's looking for remedies. He no longer takes medication but is considering going back to that. Personally, I believe in treating the problem at the source: I think meditation or hypnotherapy could do him some good. JT is a Buddhist, but he never meditates. I think if he could try doing that for a little while every morning it might help soothe his mind.

What do my readers think? Any other suggestions for dealing with anxiety--herbal remedies, mental remedies, etc--are welcome.

Decisions, Decisions

After he was finished with the great lunch I made him (roast beef & swiss on bagels with avocado slices and a frappuccino--a concoction made from instant cappuccino powder, ice cream, ice and milk) I asked JT to change the baby's diaper and clothes.

"But I don't know what to put on her."
"It doesn't matter," I say. "Just give her a onesie or something."
"Why do I have to make all the decisions?"
"What are you talking about?"
"It's too many decisions! You try making decisions sometime!"

I'm genuinely confused at this point. So I shut up and continue folding cloth diapers fresh from the dryer.

Finally he chooses the green "Daddy's Princess" onesie.

A minute later, she's still in nothing but a diaper.

JT: "I can't get it over her head. Her head is too big now."
"Yeah. Her head has grown. But it's not too big."
"I've forgotten how to do it," he says.
"Here: I'll show you--you just roll it up this way and make the opening wider..."
"I can't do it."
"Well, honey, how are you doing it when I'm not here?"
"I don't know. It just happens."
"It does, huh?"
"I think you should do it."
"Honey, what's wrong with you?"
"You do it, okay?" (Walking away) "The definition of a crime is an act, committed or omitted in violation of a law forbidding or commanding it..."

Not Welcome

I thought it would never come, but the weekend is finally here. JT came home early from preacademy today. He told me that he and the other recruits have been informed that they are "not welcome." What he means is that when they are dismissed they are to vacate the premises immediately, as though in disgrace. They are not to look at any of their instructors in the eye. And if they are walking somewhere and one of the instructors or other tactical staff walk by, the recruits are to stop and ask for leave before continuing on their way.

We spent the afternoon making flash cards to help him memorize things like the members of his department's city council, facts about his city, the definition of a crime, the vehicle codes, penal codes and "ten codes" which officers use to communicate. Furthermore, he still has some drills to learn for the various jobs he could be assigned from week to week. JT had an interesting analogy for it yesterday. Drawing on his knowledge that I used to enjoy acting in high school, he said: "It's like you're in a play that opens in two weeks. You have to learn all the parts because you don't know which part you'll be playing, and they're not going to tell you until 20 minutes before curtain."

He's been preparing me for what to expect on Family Day, this coming Tuesday. I'm going to be invited to the facility where he's doing preacademy, and they'll be providing cookies and refreshments, and some little pens and other giveaway items. JT and the other recruits are not to take anything--they are not welcome. The instructors of the academy will be nice--but JT says "Don't let it fool you!" They'll show us videos of previous academy classes, tell us jokes, and remind us to be supportive and patient while the recruits go through this program. During all that, the recruits will be asked to step into an adjacent room where they will be yelled at for any number of things. When JT comes back, I'm not to ask him where he's been or if he was getting yelled at because the mic system will pick up even the lowest whispers. I'll have to be on my best behavior. This is gonna be interesting.

Multi-Tasking

JY is squeaking and squawking happily in her crib--unaware that her daddy is trying to sleep. He got a new name today: “Four Eyes.” Also “Goggles” and “Numb Nuts.” It could have been worse: the heavy guy in his class was called "Dough Boy."

JT had to learn how to sing a jodie while doing push-ups and getting yelled at. The recruits took turns making up jodies for the class to sing. The instructor for the day, a marine, would tell the recruits to do ten push-ups, then stop the recruits in the middle of a push-up, ask them to hold it, and have them say in unison:

“Due to lack of motivation, the class will start over at zero. To work off the national debt, the class will perform ten highly-motivated push-ups.”

Sometimes while doing exercises, a recruit would get called on to recite one of their various speeches, then they’d start a new exercise and somebody else would have to pick up where he left off. Basically a lot of paying attention and multi-tasking. And getting called belittling names.

JY’s been doing some multi-tasking too--she can hold her feet with both hands! :)

My parents watched her today while I worked. They said that she is learning to grab her pull toys--the ones we’ve been dangling in front of her for ages now. But sometimes after grabbing one, she recoils and fixes her gaze on the hand that was doing the grabbing. We surround her with all these beautiful things to play with and look at, and half the time she’s just mesmerized by her own fingers.

(Indeed, they are hypnotically cute!)

JT weighed himself today at 168 lbs. He usually weighs around 175-180. He’s looking so thin.

I also weighed myself today, and I am happy to report that I am finally back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 148 lbs! That isn’t a super high bar I set for myself, seeing as I considered myself a bit overweight even before getting pregnant. But a month ago, I thought I’d never get there. Now I can stop making excuses and start really getting back in shape!

Although I haven't been doing as much exercising as JT, I'm doing plenty of multi-tasking. For example, folding laundry and making it a game so that I can keep JY entertained at the same time. Or washing an endless pile of dishes and snagging bites of breakfast cereal here and there. Or finishing this blog with one hand while I feed the baby!

I broke a glass and cut myself. Kitchen, thou art still my mortal enemy.


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Glossary--for the readers who aren't familiar with the military/police academy phrases I'm using:

"National debt": An arbitrary number of exercises set at the beginning of academy which recruits have to complete before academy's end.

"Jodies": military sing-songs like "When I say 'work,' you say 'harder.' Work!" "Harder!" "Work!" "Harder!"

First Day of Preacademy, Pt. 2

JT got home just in time to give JY a bottle and have his dinner. The lamb came out great, just slightly more cooked than medium rare. JT was in pretty good spirits when he came home. The first thing he told me about his day was that their lunches were inspected, and that he was praised for having a highly organized, healthy sack lunch :) (That was me.)

Of course, he didn't actually eat his lunch. He had the carrot sticks and grapes but nothing else. He says he was studying and too stressed out to eat. He found out today that everybody else actually started on Saturday! Nobody told him about that. Apparently it was a day for everyone to just get used to the facility and learn the drill for approaching the tactical office. So he's already a little behind on some things.

But he's ahead on others. All the time he's spent memorizing speeches about his weapon, baton, handcuffs, code of ethics, etc., has served him well! He knows this material more than most of his classmates. He says that his classmates are very helpful in catching him up on the things he missed on Saturday. Two of his classmates are "recycled" recruits who didn't graduate in an earlier class, and are thus very knowledgeable. JT says they really feel like a team and they look out for each other.

One of his classmates is friends with the officer who did JT's background check. When JT introduced himself and what department he comes from, the recruit knew his name! He said that the lieutenant spoke very highly of JT as a good new hire and this boosted JT's confidence and self esteem quite a bit. :) Thank God for the nice people we come across in every difficult situation!

After our lovely lamb dinner (maybe the kitchen and I can patch up our differences after all!) JT practiced some new things he has to memorize and we all went out for a walk with the stroller. He's stressed, but he assured me that he's not going to bring the stress home--that he's going to let home be like a haven where he can take a break from the stress. I hope so, because I think that will be the best experience for him. For my part, I will try to keep it as havenly as possible. :)

First Day of Preacademy, Pt. 1

JT left this morning for his first day of preacademy. He set his alarm for 5:30 a.m. and I got up too and tried to help him get ready. He had a ton of stuff he had to carry to the car, and insisted on taking it all himself because he will have to get it all out of the car himself.

I wish it didn't take several cups of coffee just to get myself awake through the day. I spent the morning doing all our laundry. I had to stay up with JY last night who was crying for no reason at 11 pm and wouldn't calm down until close to 12:30. It woke JT and he rocked her for a little while in the rocking chair but eventually he got tired and I took over.

People ask me when her bedtime is. I tell them "Whenever she decides it's time." With a baby, you can't just say, "Go to bed." You have to coax them to sleep. If they're not sleepy but in a good mood you might be able to leave them alone, but if they're cranky you're not gonna get a wink of sleep yourself until you comfort them.

I promised JT a nice dinner and I should get going on it. I'm attempting a relatively uncomplicated lamb chops recipe I found in Men's Health (his favorite magazine). I am not a cook. I am honestly terrified of my kitchen. This is usually JT's thing, which he does with pleasure and artistry. Suddenly it's my job to make sure he has a healthy dinner five nights a week, maybe seven... even when I'm working at night. Ah well--I figure that with all the new things my husband has to learn and all the new challenges he has, I can muster up enough courage and energy to cook him a decent meal each day and keep the house looking clean. This is my task.

Last-Minute Preparations

Tomorrow JT starts his preacademy. It's a two week long orientation for the academy--that should tell you how difficult academy will be! He went to pick up his uniform today, and then when he got them home he found they didn't quite fit. So he had to go all the way back (it's a long way from our house) and ask them to hem the legs.

Yesterday we bought him this fancy silver Cross pen and pencil set, which is apparently the only pen or pencil he's allowed to use while at academy. So today, I snuck it out of our closet and took it with me to the mall. I got the pen and pencil both engraved with a simple message: "MY HERO." It looks classy and I don't think his instructors will catch the deviation. I just wanted to give him some message of hope and confidence and thought this was the simplest, most meaningful way to do it.

JY is doing very well. She gets cuter all the time. She has long dark eyelashes and a beautiful smile and likes to squeal loudly--it's sort of like the sound a monkey would make if it were trying to quack like a duck! She looks like a princess but sounds like a chimpanzee!

We got her a little jumper yesterday, which she's still too small for but she's having fun with it anyway. She's so wonderful. You can hold her hands and lift her arms up and down and back and forth and she just lets you play with her like a little doll. If we could only all be so flexible, so pliant!

I wish I could spend more time playing with her but I have a lot of chores to do to help JT get ready. There's three loads of laundry, dinner, and shaving his head again (the hair grows so fast!). Plus other odd jobs helping him pack for tomorrow. He's been polishing his gun belt. So much to do!